War, Hulk, Good God, Ya'll: WWH #2

Hulkinued from my last posting, part the second of my five-part analysis of all things World War Hulk. Just to let everyone know my Hulk background before we keep going: last December, I completed a full run of every issue of the Incredible Hulk series, from #1 in May of 1962 all the way to the present. I also own all annuals, specials, spinoffs, miniseries, plus the 1970s magazine series, many giveaways, the whole run of Defenders, every in-continuity Hulk appearance (even Avengers #1-5, Amazing Spider-Man #14, and Fantastic Four #12 and 25-26), and virtually every other out-of-continuity Hulk appearance (What If?'s etc.), though I'm closing the gap on that one, too. My goal is to own every Marvel comic where the Hulk appears in-story for at least a panel, whether it be the Green Goliath himself, or his image on someone's t-shirt, or in a flashback, or as a statue, whatever.

Now that everyone has heard enough of my nerdity.....::clears throat::..


WORLD WAR HULK #2
September, 2007
Writer: Greg Pak
Artists: John Romita Jr., Klaus Janson & Christina Strain
Editor: Mark Paniccia
Cover Artist: David Finch

When we last left our intrepid and doomed heroes, the Hulk spake, "Two down, two to go!" (Well, not really, but he had just taken down Iron Man, the second of the four Illuminati members whom he came back to punish for exiling him to an alien world.) From across the way, in the Sanctum Sanctorum of Dr. Strange, Iron Fist recaps what has happened so far, and wonders if the heroes can stop the Hulk. Strange says that he and the other Illuminati may just deserve the Hulk's wrath, but that with luck, his spells will enable him to locate a being who will "defeat and redeem the Hulk in the same instant...but my spell will only work if he lets me in...and he hates us so much." Gee, can we say "Bruce Banner"? Where does Banner stand on the matter of the Hulk's latest rampage? An intriguing question, to be sure, and one that we'll answer in-depth in, you guessed it, Part 3.

For now, we go back to the scene of the battle, the rubble of the Sentry's aerie, where the Hulk roars as the heroes assemble, ready to take him on. After all, he's only one monster, right? Wrong! As if on cue (no, really, Luke Cage makes mention, then...), the Hulk's Warbound companions drop from the sky, again doing that slightly annoying roll call thing the Hulk did last month. (Is it me, or does Hiroim the Shamed look like he has vampire fangs in the big panoramic establishing shot of this group?) To their credit, the Warbound don't immediately rush into battle: they instead offer membership to their ranks to the heroes assembled, by way of the Warbound oath (see The Incredible Hulk v. 3 #93 & 99). Ares of the Avengers prepares to charge, disregarding Hiroim's request, raising his axe, but She-Hulk stops him, trying to engage her cousin in dialogue, offering to help. Miek, the Hulk's first friend from Sakaar, asks if she can bring back those who died in the explosion. (Hulk's expression on this panel...and I wish I could post it...is particularly haunting to me.) The Hulk urges his cousin to walk away, but she will not, believing everything will be fine so long as nobody on her side throws the first punch.

Wrong.

The Hulk narrowly misses hitting She-Hulk, and she connects with his face with her next two punches. The battle is joined. Hulk hurls She-Hulk into the pavement, then dodges Ares' first blow, crushing him as well. Everyone is at each other's throats in a terrific two-page spread that shows the immensity of the conflict. The key words here are spoken by Spider-Woman: "The Hulk's stronger than he's ever been, and each one of his buddies is almost as strong as he used to be--we can't beat them trading head-on punches like this!" Indeed, that's the point that has been lost on some fans accusing Marvel and Greg Pak of "jobbing," i.e. using weak writing to make characters lose who "ordinarily" should win. Fact #1: it's been clearly shown during "Planet Hulk" that each one of these characters is a match for the Hulk. Fact #2: The Hulk's base strength level is 100+ tons. Fact #3: some of the Warbound, i.e. Hiroim and Korg, have fighting skills the Hulk does not, giving them additional advantages. Put it all together and I honestly believe even the weakest among them can be a match for Earth's mightiest heroes.

While the Warbound soundly defeat the Avengers, Reed Richards and T'Challa, the Black Panther, collaborate on a new invention to stop the Hulk. (I'll admit freely...shouldn't Reed have more than one plan at the ready?) The new Fantastic Four (six?) engages the Hulk and the Warbound, and Storm uses her command of the elements to topple the Hulk into the ground. Once there, the Human Torch unleashes near-nova flame directly onto the behemoth. It burns and burns, and everyone must avert their eyes, but when the smoke clears, the Torch's flame is extinguished, and the Hulk is victorious, his skin nearly untouched. Of course, that urges Aunt Petunia's favorite nephew into action, as the mighty Thing declares, "It's CLOBBERIN' TIME!" The two trade blows for minutes, but he too cannot withstand the Hulk's newfound strength. Before the Hulk can land a killing strike, a bright light appears. The Hulk begins to speak just like his childlike incarnation. "Golden Man?" Has the Sentry finally appeared to calm down his friend, to prevent further damage? No, it's just the device that Reed invented, whose purpose was to siphon off the Sentry's energies which historically calmed the Hulk. It doesn't work, Hulk snaps out of it, and before Reed can employ another plan, he's forced to defend himself. His wife Sue helps, but the feedback from the Hulk's punishing blows upon her invisible force shields weakens her, and Reed's rubbery body cannot stand up for long. Sue finally radioes the real Sentry, and says they've failed. He remains in his apartment still.

The next phase of the Hulk's invasion of New York happens when Rick Jones arrives, (presumably) fresh off a flight from Las Vegas. He sees the Hulk and his Warbound dragging the unconscious carcasses of the Avengers and Fantastic Four through the streets, and immediately approaches his old friend. Hulk is just about speechless when Rick tells him that Captain America is dead. Rick then fills the Hulk in on what has happened while he's been away, noting that "You may go nuts, but nine times out of ten, you seem to hit whoever needs hitting. And those guys sure needed it. But not like this, Hulk. Not like this." He looks plaintively at the Hulk, who returns the glance and puts his hand on his shoulder. Can it be over this way? Not if Dr. Strange has anything to say about it! Strange senses the opening and exploits it, but Hulk will have none of it. He leaps away, crashing into the water, in front of the Renegades (from The Incredible Hulk v.3 #107, also written by Greg Pak). S.H.I.E.L.D. decides to intervene, but before they can do so, one of the Hulk's oldest foes arrives. The stupid heroes have had their chance....now it's time for Gen. Thaddeus E. "Thunderbolt" Ross to take charge and wipe the Hulk off the face of the Earth.

Anticlimactic? Maybe. The Hulk has already captured three of his four intended targets, with the most personal--Dr. Strange--still left standing. The "body count" of those the Hulk and his crew have defeated is quite high here, perhaps justifiably so, perhaps not. I do think kudos have to go to JRJR on this one because of the strength and fluidity of the fight scenes. The man knows how to choreograph fights, and he should, as a 30-year vet in comics. This is how a Hulk book should look. It's the kind of storytelling Jack Kirby would be proud of. As for the story, Greg Pak is serving admirably, giving all the important details. Some short shrift is given to the Warbound, as without the benefit of "Planet Hulk," we really know nothing about the characters from this issue, other than Hiroim's apparent chivalrous nature and...something about a few of the rest of them. Then again there isn't really time for characterization when the book is essentially an issue-long fight scene.

But is the Hulk too powerful, and is an all-powerful character (at least compared to the rest of the characters in the book) boring? I don't think so. I think the Hulk's utterly convinced of the righteousness of his actions, and that makes him more dangerous, more powerful, more unbeatable than ever. And if he's wrong, there's surely going to be some (nuclear) fallout. You can certainly understand where he's coming from, even if you may doubt that he knows what "really" happened.

The highlight of this issue, amid all of the thrilling fights, is the arrival of Rick Jones. As the Hulk's oldest friend, he understands ol' Big Green, and you get the feeling something big might have happened if not for Dr. Strange's meddling. I've always liked Rick, and it's great to see him here, contrasting with the Warbound. For a great comparison between Rick and Miek, check out The Incredible Hulk v.3 #108.

Next: Bruce Banner at last, the Sorcerer Supreme, and some guy named Thunderbolt. Be here!

~G.

War, Hulk, Good God, Ya'll: WWH #1

Friends:

Now that every issue of WORLD WAR HULK is out there, as I said in my last posting, I figured it was time to do an extensive review of the whole series, an issue a day. It's part review, part criticism, part guidepath in general to the finer points of the smashfest.



WORLD WAR HULK #1
August, 2007
Writer: Greg Pak
Artists: John Romita Jr., Klaus Janson & Christina Strain
Editor: Mark Paniccia
Cover Artist: David Finch

"This is the story of the Hulk. A monster who fell from the sky to the savage planet of Sakaar...a whole planet of monsters. But while they stabbled him...burned him...and ate his very flesh...he never forgot the real monsters...the puny humans who sent him here. Dr. Strange. Mister Fantastic. Iron Man. Black Bolt. They shot him into space. They thought they were saving their world. They thought he was finally dead. But he survived. Because he is the Green Scar...the Worldbreaker...the Eye of Anger...The HULK...and now he's coming home."

Thus begins WORLD WAR HULK, with a monologue that explains, both in great visuals by John Romita Jr., and simple, elegant text by Greg Pak, just about every bit of what newbies need to know to get in on the action. Well, all right: not everything, but enough. Truth be told, while being an accessible tale on the surface, many of the nuances of the event will only be understood by those who are accomplished fans of the Hulk character, or at the very least, have read "Planet Hulk," the story which preceded it in Incredible Hulk v. 3 #92-105, now available in a hardcover edition. The denouement--which we'll get to much later--will in particular seem tacked-on to those who haven't read "Planet Hulk," but will make full sense in context.

Pak establishes immediately that the Hulk is angry because he was left to die on an alien world. We don't yet know all the details, but know he has four chief targets: Iron Man, Dr. Strange, Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, and Black Bolt of the Inhumans. The Hulk has had close associations with all but one of them--Black Bolt and the Hulk, though they have met a few times, have never been what you'd call "close"...but Bolt did invite the Hulk to stay in the Great Refuge once upon a time (Hulk Annual #1, 1968). (Then again, he did try exiling the Hulk way back when, too--check The Incredible Hulk v. 2 #175 from 1974.) Is it any wonder, then, that the Inhuman is the Hulk's first target? There's the proximity issue, too: Black Bolt is on Earth's moon, whereas the others are on Earth proper. Outside of Dr. Strange and his mystic abilities, Black Bolt is likely the most formidable of the foursome, and his defeat here serves to convey the kind of message the Hulk wants: he means business.

One thing seemed to annoy readers when the issue first came out: the battle on the moon between Hulk and Black Bolt takes place almost entirely off-panel! People didn't like suddenly seeing Black Bolt unconscious later. However I had to applaud Greg Pak for the restraint shown in this scene (or lack of a scene). In this day and age of instant gratification, where horror movies have to be gory to be effective in their audiences' eyes, it was refreshing to see someone remember that sometimes, it's what you don't see that's scarier. Readers had to imagine what the Hulk did to Black Bolt after the climactic "I wanna hear you scream" line. From the punishment that the Hulk received at the hands (er, voice) of Black Bolt on-panel, it had to be one wicked battle. Kudos to everyone for a thrilling cliffhanger moment and the best one-liner of the series.

Of course, people monitoring space notice that something big has happened on the moon, and Tony Stark, as head of S.H.I.E.L.D., is alerted by the President. Faster than you can say "Hulk smash," the Warbound's great stone ship appears over the skies in New York City and a hologram of the Hulk displays a warning and ultimatum: either the city will be evacuated within 24 hours and the three remaining responsible parties will present themselves, or, well, you can guess the second part of that statement. This time, the Hulk tells the story of "Planet Hulk" in his own words, and accomplishes a few more things. He identifies the four Illuminati as some manner of close-knit group (even though nobody knows the nom du guerre of Illuminati quite yet, and hence nobody suspects their other doings). He also identifies the main members of the alien legion he's brought with him, and brings up the idea of a "bomb" that he alleges the heroes put on his ship when they exiled him. The bomb is important, as we, the readers, should have some degree of doubt as to whether these four alleged "heroes" would do such a thing. (Point of fact: in The Incredible Hulk v. 3 #104, it seems to be moderately well established that the explosion that killed a million Sakaarians was result of some kind of ship malfunction, a warp core breach that "just happened" during the ongoing victory celebrations. More on that in Part 5.)

We should also see a few implications from the Hulk's announcement. Readers who weren't aware of the goings-on in "Planet Hulk" now can see that the Hulk of those adventures was an articulate behemoth, backing up his words with actions. It should not be forgotten that this Hulk returns to Earth not as one of its citizens, but as the ruler of a nation that sees itself as having been wronged. In the early days of this storyline, I likened the invasion by the Hulk and his Warbound as something as logical as if the U.S. shipped nukes over to some other country, and they accidentally went off and killed many thousands of that country's nationals. Of it'd be our fault that people were killed, because if we hadn't shipped the bombs over there in the first place, the other country's people wouldn't have been in danger and would not have died. The act, as seen as plainly as this, is one of war, no matter what the intentions behind it.

Also seen during this setup is the crippling of many of Earth's communications satellites by the advanced technology on board the stone ship. This point becomes important, again, in the final issue. Iron Man here tries to repair the damage to the satellites (having newly gained the ability to interface with machines with his mind per the "Extremis" upgrades in his own title), to no avail. He then converses with Doctor Strange, who seems to believe it's karma that the Hulk has returned demanding their blood. Strange is the most important figure among the four Illuminati represented, as he has the strongest relationship with the Hulk/Banner, with both having been founding members of the super-team, the Defenders (c. 1971). (I'll deal with their friendship more in Part 3.)

Manhattan is evacuated by the super-heroes inside of 24 hours, with those anti-SHRA (Super Hero Registration Act, as seen in Civil War) heroes who help being promised amnesty. Of particular note is Spider-Man, still in black costume, believing the Sentry was coming as first resort, mistaking Iron Man for the Golden Guardian himself. Mister Fantastic and Iron Man did talk with the Sentry, who in revised Marvel continuity had the childlike Hulk as a sidekick in the mid-1960s. The Sentry had agreed to help his "friend" the Hulk, but is nowhere to be found when the action starts. (Again, more later regarding the Sentry and his complex relationship with the Hulk.)

After the initial buildup, the rest of the issue proceeds rather quickly once the 24-hour ultimatum passes. Seeing as Iron Man was the architect of the SHRA and is the most public by far out of the four Illuminati, it would make sense in the narrative to have him be the "Big Bad" with the others lining up to fight the Hulk in the interim. Greg Pak wisely avoids this trap, instead having the "face of the SHRA" rise to the occasion and enter first combat. Iron Man equips himself in a special "Hulkbuster" suit of armor, bigger than the Hulk himself, but the effects are predetermined. He broadcasts a speech about his intentions while the battle continues, taking full responsibility for the decision to send the Hulk into space in the first place. The fight and speech are broadcast by news helicopters practically worldwide, drawing the attention of the Hulk's first sidekick, Rick Jones (who evidently wastes no time using his Avengers priority clearance to jump on the quickest flight from Las Vegas to New York, arriving in time for next issue).

The battle is interrupted by warplanes who launch missiles at the Hulk. The bombardment reminds him of his wife Caiera's death on Sakaar, and so enraged, he once again beats on Iron Man, driving him into the Sentry's aerie, making the structure collapse while the other heroes look on in an eerie parallel to the real-world collapse of the World Trade Center towers. (This event makes sense to both draw in the Sentry to battle later, and gives the event weight among the superhero community, with a building that is so highly regarded as the Avengers' most recent headquarters being decimated.) Finally, the heroes approach the ruins of the building, seeing something stirring, hoping it is Iron Man triumphant, only to find the rampaging Hulk emerge, growling and moving toward them.

World War Hulk #1 is successful on many fronts, presenting a wealth of information to new readers, keeping momentum up for those who have just come over from "Planet Hulk," and flying in the face of expectations, chiefly in the "less is more" battle against Black Bolt and the rather unexpected "round two" battle with Iron Man. The plotting is tight, the script is decent, and the art by John Romita Jr. is very kinetic, showing that he's the best Marvel has at "big" action scenes.

"Hulkinued" tomorrow with the big "Heroes Vs. Hulk" throwdown, as well as comments on "jobbing."

~G.

War, Hulk, Good God, Ya'll....

Well, folks, the last time I mentioned the Hulk on this blog, aside from my having bought #1, Greg Pak was on board and I was interviewing him for the main title. For those who haven't been following through PLANET HULK, the universe-spanning epic that is available in hardcover now from such fine folks as www.instocktrades.com, the Green Goliath was exiled to a faraway planet by some heroes he thought were his friends, but instead of going to the planet they intended, he smashed his way off-course and through a wormhole to a world where he could actually be hurt (gasp!). In true Russell Crowe fashion, he rose from slave to gladiator to rebel leader to Green King, taking a wife and gaining acceptance before having all his happiness taken away in a flash of nuclear fire. Of course, the madder the Hulk gets, the stronger the Hulk gets, and faster than you can say "puny humans," the newly-crowned Green King led a team of his monstrous compadres back to Earth for some (he believed) righteous vengeance. So was set WORLD WAR HULK.

So now, WORLD WAR HULK is over, the fifth and final issue having shipped this last week. Is it any wonder I'm reviewing the whole shebang here? I'll post thoughts on one piece of the puzzle every day this week (and it may bleed into the week beyond depending on my schedule). I'll piece together everything and arrive at final thoughts thereafter. In a bit of foreshadowing, I'll just say that I think any forthcoming HULK writers have their work cut out for them trying to surpass what Greg Pak & co. have come up with in these five issues (and the myriad of tie-ins).

To be HULKINUED...Monday!

~G.

A Gentle Warning....

I'm coming back!

Yes, I found my notes for my novel, the ones I started in '05.

I'm also fairly jazzed about the conclusion of WORLD WAR HULK, which shipped this past week. I do want to do an in-depth review.

Look for me to throw some crap on the walls around here early next week.

We'll see what sticks.

~G.

The Time Has Come Today

I know it's been forever since last post, but hey, things happen. Like this:



A picture is worth a thousand words, innit?

Okay, few more to those who don't recognize it: Incredible Hulk #1, 1962. One happy f***ing camper.

eBay money rules.

~G.

What, No Lucky Charms?

Hey, all--

This time I'm entertaining you all from work, where I've taken my laptop...and after a few hours, I've even managed to get it online and working! Anyway I wish I had a picture to show you guys. An hour ago, it finished raining, and outside we had a rainbow whose end was, miraculously, right outside of our building, in the parking lot to the adjacent hotel. Sorry to say, I looked outside, right where the rays of multicolored light hit the pavement, and no pot o' gold could be located. (Still would've been cool to photograph the end of the rainbow...grr...)

Let's see what else is up...if I weren't writing to you people right now, I'd be writing my novel in between calls. It's okay stuff right now, nothing special. It's an arduous task, introducing my main character to the audience, having him go through his daily routine the morning after Spring Break has officially ended. I'm sure it'll pick up, but it's just not very interesting yet, no doubt because the real fun hasn't begun (and won't for another chapter, at least). Still it's nice to just write, to express myself, to once more assume the guise of the tortured artiste. Plus, well, I do have my newfound muse to think of, which is nice. Maybe I'll get the last of my research in very soon (some emails involved with not-so-young professionals...nothing so outre as the previous bout of "research," I assure you).

Anything else? Well, the Power Girl sketch from my buddy Jon Falkner is coming in at last, and I may scan it to give you guys a peek. If anyone's interested in getting great penciled art, then drop me a line and I'll put you in touch.

If you guys remember my last blog post, you'll know I predicted the apocalypse coming sooner than expected. Well, according to MSNBC, the global "tipping point" has been or may soon be reached, meaning environmentally, we're all just about screwed unless we cut down on emissions by about 50% in the next few years. Fun. Between this and Bush being in charge, we are indeed past the point of no return on this sinking ship we call Earth. Don't deny it!

At least maybe I'll become a bestselling author before we all die in the 6th Extinction...

~G.

Iron & Steel in Your DVD Player (Or, The Most Unexpected DVD Season Set of All...or, "DRIVE!")

Oy vey. Is it me, or is the apocalypse now coming that much sooner?

This just in from the wonderful folks at tvshowsondvd.com: one of my favorite TV shows from the early 1980s, Hardcastle & McCormick, is coming back in a five-disc DVD set, due in Canadian stores February 14th. Anyone who doesn't remember this show--well, you're excused, but you'd better get yourself to an online retailer the moment this thing's up for preorders, else you'll be missing the big one. And here I just got over having The Flash in a 6-disc set, arriving a scant few weeks ago. At this point I really won't be surprised if Paramount heeds the demands of the assembled masses and schedules Friday the 13th, the Series: The Complete First Season any day now. (God would then have to announce the apocalypse as occuring the following Tuesday, methinks. Damn.)

So, what is H&M? It's a buddy cop type deal, only, well, not. Evidence: "Milton C. Hardcastle is a retired judge from the Los Angeles Superior Court. Mark McCormick, an ex-race car driver turned thief, was Hardcastle's last case. Mark has been placed in the Judge's custody and together they're going after 200 cases that walked out of Hardcastle's courtroom on technicalities." Okay, so the show didn't quite make it to 200 episodes, but the three seasons that were produced were pretty good. Keep in mind, I haven't seen the majority of the episodes for years, but the pilot was very entertaining and several other episodes I have seen in the last few years (thank you, traders!) are almost as good. I can't wait to see the pilot in high quality as it was meant to be seen.

So, check this set out on Valentine's Day. And buy The Flash on DVD while you're at it.

Peace!

~G.

Thundersnow!

Yes, while I was at work today, staring out the window, I saw darkness...and snow...and then I saw a flash of lightning followed by a big ol' boom. The weirdest f*cking weather phenomenon since God invented weather came to Pittsburgh this evening. Yeah. Keep in mind, I knew about thundersnow before--in fact I used it as weather of choice in my Marvel Comics spec script, Son of Satan, but I never actually saw it before today. Color me stunned.

Maybe the Steelers can win one for the thumb this year after all. Y'know, it's gotta happen at least once in my lifetime (that I remember, dammit--the last Super Bowl victory for the black 'n' gold happened when I was just shy of one year old)...just like the frickin' thundersnow.

Go Steelers!

~G.

Of Novels, Muses, Employment, and, Y'Know, Other Stuff

Whew....didn't think I'd ever get back to you guys.

Let's see: the new job doesn't suck. In fact, not only does it not suck, I now have my own name plaque velcroed to the cubicle, which means my job's secure for at least another week. I've been working hard, but now things are settling down enough that I can probably work on some other projects.

And yes, that means...the novel. I took a trip for research purposes to a local (ahem) club in search of stories and fulfillment of that whole "write what you know" shtick. Well, coming out of it last night, and after having to drag my buddy kicking and screaming from said place, well, I only wish the trip were tax-deductible. Not that I'm hurting for cash now, mind you...and if, if I go again, it won't be for a good, long while. Anyway, I think I've discovered my artist's muse. And no, no, a thousand times no, it's not a sexual thing. And I'm not protesting too much, but rather, just enough, thankyew. I'm trying really hard to get some extra sleep so I can maybe write some tomorrow early when I'm refreshed.

I'm also reading a bit more. Check out Greg Pak's debut on The Incredible Hulk with February's issue #92, and Stuart Moore's truly revolutionary treatment of my favorite DC hero in this past week's Firestorm, which had not long ago been relegated to the bottom of my reading pile. Welcome back, Martin Stein!

More tomorrow or the day after, honest!

~G.

News: All the $#!+ That Will Stick

Yeah....so....new job starting up. Will let everyone know how it goes. I'm planning for it to not suck, but anything can happen.

Daniel Way, contrary to what I posted a couple of months ago, does not suck. He's actually pretty cool, although he and I definitely disagree on who the Hulk is and why he does the things he does. Check out his message board at www.badpressonline.com and tell 'im I sent you...you f***ing c***. :-)

I'd prefer nobody ask about my novel, except suffice to say I didn't have a chance to work on it at all this week. Hey, it's an adjustment period! Anyway, look for me to show some progress this week. No, really. Stop laughing!

I'm also hella busy doing interviews at Comixfan. Look out for something in March called RETRO ROCKET. And look for my feature on it shortly.

Oh, and lest I forget, my computer is newly updated: new keyboard, new motherboard, more RAM (up to 2GB!), and double the hard disk space (400GB). Now if only I could rehook the restart button up without totally FUBARing things...

My first grand experiment with the new computer: putting a soundtrack that I bought off eBay, that was originally on vinyl, onto CD. Fun stuff.

Can't really think of much else that is news.

Later,

~G.

Let's Spin This As Far To The Right As We Can...

This just came over the AP Wire:

Teen With Peanut Allergy Dies After Kiss

Basically, the gist of the story is that some teenage girl's boyfriend was just eating a snack containing peanuts, the girl was severely allergic to peanuts, the boyfriend kissed the girl after having said snack...and the girl died. Yup, as in dead.

No, really.

I'm going to be as politically incorrect and emotionally insensitive as I can here, so please, those of you who are faint of heart or easily offended, turn back (too late!). Forget about sex, kissing is what we should be afraid of young people doing in this day and age. Any remotely sexual contact at all, point of fact. How long before this kid's a poster child for premarital anything in the minds of kooks like Pat Robertson et al.? To say nothing of our beloved President, Dubya...(nevermind the poor kid's Canadian).

Maybe someone will say holding hands is bad for you too. You know, germs being nasty critters and all.

Hmm, or worse still: file charges against the boyfriend! Did he know the girlfriend was allergic to peanuts and kissed her anyway, reeking of peanut-breath? Murder! Manslaughter at the least! String him up in the town square and throw tomatoes at him! Nyah!

Yeah, don't mind me, I'm feeling tangential today. New job, plenty of interviews to do for Comixfan, and this week, I'm starting my novel. As soon as I get my computer fixed up...yessir...

In the meantime, remember: kissing is bad for you and violates several local ordinances...but only if you're a whacko, jacko. ;-)

Accidents happen. My condolences to the family. And man, I wouldn't want to be the boyfriend now.

~G.

Of Jones Soda and Tissue Time...

I'm back...

Updates for everyone. Job: don't ask. Novel: don't ask...well, truthfully I've completed my notes, am shuffling plot points (really, I've got note cards!), and am no more than a week away from cracking chapter 1. (Or a prologue. I'm still not sure about that...) Comixfan: shame on you if you haven't been keeping up! I'm doing a bunch of interviews, two for next summer's big Marvel event (one of 'em, anyway), and several more for a March-shipping Marvel event I can't even discuss, it's so New and cool. Within the next week, my interview with Mike W. Barr of MAZE AGENCY fame will be up. Surely you've seen my triad of EXILES interviews and the Jeff Mariotte ANGEL interview, right?

I got inspired to write again mainly by two separate, unrelated events that happened yesterday. It was my buddy Matt's birthday, and so in addition to cake, he somehow decided against all logic to buy the Jones Soda 2005 Holiday Pack--five flavored sodas packaged together--five sodas only remotely yummy if you're living in Bizarro-land. I implore you guys, do NOT try these flavors at home! They include: Brussels Sprout with Prosciutto, Cranberry Sauce, Turkey & Gravy, Wild Herb Stuffing, and Pumpkin Pie. Y'know something? Scratch that. If you want to vomit, projectile-style, then this Holiday Pack is for you. (No, do not send me pictures.)

The other event is probably more palatable, at least to the guys out there. I've made no secret of my reverence for Howard Stern, who's about to make the leap to SIRIUS satellite radio in January. I've had my subscription since last December awaiting the blessed event. Well, since last month sometime, Howard 100 has gone on-air, featuring newscasts and the occasional special event. I really, really could do without fart-a-thons and Wendy the Retard doing a 24-hour broadcast, but finally something worthwhile came on the air this Monday past. Playboy model Heidi Cortez, a frequent Stern show guest, has made the jump to Sirius with "Tissue Time," a half-hour long segment airing weeknights at 10p.m.

It's billed as "Bedtime stories...with happy endings" and it's the raunchiest, most blatantly sexual show I've ever heard on radio. If this kind of stuff is on the air before Howard's debut in January, I shudder to think what the man himself will be capable of. Heidi (she'd want you to call her "Miss Cortez") relates erotic stories in first-person, and acts out fantasy sessions with her listeners. There's lots of ooh'ing and aah'ing and fake orgasms a'plenty (and, on Monday night, compliments of the first guy to call in, sadly, one real one...). She seems to be getting better at her act...Monday she was nervous and talking, like, in a Valley Girl kind of way, you know, ending every sentence with a question? And stuff? I also listened to Thursday's show, and while she keeps the raunch factor high (along with the pitch of her moans), she's thankfully now letting the guys off the air before acting out their fantasies.

It's an interesting, albeit depraved show, and I wonder how much longer it can possibly remain on the air. Listen to it while you can. Trust me on this, fellas, you'll be pulling out your hankys soon enough--because you'll be crying from laughing so hard. (What did you think I was going to say?)

So remember, fellas: avoid the Jones Soda Holiday Pack, and embrace the Heidi Cortez.

~G.

Alas, Poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio...

Too good to let this one get away:

The obituary of Theodore Roosevelt Heller:

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans.

Not kidding. Fun, huh? And no, I didn't really know the guy...was just trying for a zinger of an opener.

Bis morgen, jungen und frauen...

~G.

What You Should Really Be Reading/Watching/Plunking Down $$$ To See...

Yo.

I've been working like a dog, on both real work and the novel, so that leaves me less and less time to grace you with my presence. But now, here I am, and I bring you my product reviews o' the week. In no particular order:

WHAT YOU SHOULD SEE AT THE MOVIES

Serenity. "Take me out / To the black / Tell 'em I ain't comin' back / Burn the land / Boil the sea /You can't take the sky from me." A phenomenal film that is so far into its science fiction roots that you can't really tell what genre it's supposed to be. It's equal parts straight drama, space voyage, western, and love story, with a delicious ensemble cast. I guarantee you most people won't "get" it, but that's all right: we're not "most people," are we? If you haven't seen the TV series whence it came, Firefly, fear not: the story is so engaging, the characters so appealing, you won't feel you've missed a thing. The film is just that shiny. (That's future-speak for "cool.") Although I wished a few characters had gotten more screen time (who wouldn't want to see more of the luscious Morena Baccarin as futuristic wh--Companion, Inara Serra?), filmmaker Joss Whedon explains more than enough of the series' mysteries in a satisfying fashion than I could've hoped for, and gives plenty of suggestions as to the rest. (If you haven't found Book's backstory by now, gose, you're just not looking hard enough.) This film isn't just the best sci-fi excursion of the year; it's the best gorram sci-fi story of the decade, if not longer. So saddle up to the local B.O., padnuh, or Hulk will smash.

And no, I'm not just spreading the love because I've met the entire crew of the Serenity--yup, I've met Nathan, Gina, Adam, Jewel, Morena, Ron, Sean, Summer, Alan, and Joss. Remind me to tell you where.

WHAT YOU SHOULD BUY ON DVD

Veronica Mars: The Complete First Season. A smart, savvy detective show with a season-long arc a la Buffy, the show stars spunky blonde ingenue Kristen Bell as the titular heroine, determined to solve a web of mysteries centered around the death of her best friend, Lily Kane, that reaches into the lives of just about everyone she knows--from her detective father and absentee mother, to her ex-boyfriend, Lily's brother, to Lily's ex-boyfriend and his movie star family, to Lily's family, all the bases are covered. Each episode also covers a smart (did I say that already?) mystery in the space of one hour. Creator Rob Thomas nearly one-ups Joss for one-hour dramas here, but yes, I do like spooky stuff muy better. Give it time. Anyway, the six-disc set from Warner has some sparse extras, but the content is terrific, and hasn't disappointed yet...even though I'm just one disc into the six (and I only watched half-a-season when the show aired...nevermind, I plan to make up for that mistake this weekend!). Yours for a paltry $38 at the local Best Buy, if you've got your Rewards card. (Oh, Best Buy, where are my kickbacks?)

WHAT YOU SHOULD BE READING

Infinite Crisis #1 (DC Comics). Try and imagine a world where superheroes are nearly as reviled as the villains they fight; a world where the world's greatest heroes, the paragons of virtue and all that is right, are at each other's throats over the methods they employ to flush out the criminal element. Who can save superhumanity from itself? Who can restore order and bring the Earth, nay, the very cosmos back to some semblance of balance? This is the predicament posed by writer Geoff Johns and artists Phil Jiminez and Andy Lanning, and it's nothing short of stunning; the true successor to the biggest, baddest hunk of comic book melodrama ever told, Crisis on Infinite Earths, from 1985. In more ways than one.

See, this is why I'm using more than one paragraph: it's really that good. Batman has been spying on superhumanity ever since he found out that his fellow Justice Leaguers, when they wiped the memories of the Secret Society of Super-Villains many years ago, also wiped his mind. See, folks: Batman is paranoid for a reason. And Superman, well, he's been mind-controlled by someone the JLA trusted. When Wonder Woman saved humanity from a rampaging Superman, that's when the crap really began to fly: she killed the culprit, and now the whole world knows, and hence, fears the heroes aren't as goody-goody as they seemed. On top of the drama between the three key players, of course, the super-villains have banded together to ensure no further memory-wiping occurs; magic runs out of control as the spirit of God's wrath, the Spectre, tears across the cosmos; and, of course, there's a big space war happening that's destabilized the very center of the known universe.

I wish I could spoil the finale to #1, but I can't: it's, again, just that good. I nearly cried. I definitely shook with excitement. Word to those considering picking this book up: it's the return of the greatest hero of all time. More than that, it also shows why DC is the best there is at telling stories involving multiple timelines and realities. (Sorry, Marvel!) Yes, that's right: it's more than a name-only sequel to that original Crisis. The only thing to get me even close to this giddy this week was the lead-in book, Villains United #6. So yeah, this one's got it all: a great, universe-spanning story, plenty of action, and yes, lush art. And that last page...!

That's it; I daren't say more. Trust me on this, guys and dolls: if you're to be counted among the cool, don't miss this junk.

~G.

And Speaking of Ashlee...

Howdy, cowpokes.

(I think I used that line before; ah, well.)

Work progresses on character development for my novel. Also, expect to see a new website by yours truly popping up here in a week or three.

Fun night at karaoke last night: since there weren't that many people at the bar, and we were getting bored, someone suggested we do each rotation with a different musical theme. As result, I sang stuff I would never have done before. As examples of themes, most interesting last but otherwise in no strict order: songs with a state name in the title or lyrics (I did the Doobie Brothers' "Long Train Running"); songs recorded before 1970 (mine: "Thank the Lord For the Night Time" by Neil Diamond); 1980s dance songs (mine: Men Without Hats, "Safety Dance"...yes, the Safety Dance!); and the strangest of them all...a gender-bending round wherein the girls had to sing songs originally performed by male vocalists, and vice versa. Girls did Snoop Dogg and some other stuff. One Brian did "Coal Miner's Daughter," and Brian "Dubya" did Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman."

Me? "Lala," by Ashlee Simpson. No, I'm not kidding. (For the uninitiated, some lyrics: "You make me wanna lala / In the kitchen on the floor / I'll be a French maid / When I meet you at the door / I'm like an alley cat / Drink the milk up I want more / You make me wanna / You make me wanna...scream.") Click here for the rest.

Much applause followed from me making a complete idiot out of myself, and some lady came by, shoved her boobs in my face, rubbed her crotch against my knee, introduced herself, and told me she moved here from California, that her dog screwed Jay Leno's dog and they had little puppies, and that she had spent 17 months single and was, that night, out on a first date with some guy, a podiatrist, who wasn't hanging around at the moment. She also told me just where she hung out and found said guy. Why, I haven't a clue. At least she was moderately attractive. I kept wondering if the crotch-knee thing was intentional. Still wondering.

Life is strange sometimes. Right now I'm gonna settle in and watch "Lost" on DVD.

~G.

Call In Some Tom Jones...or Phantom Planet...or...Ashlee Simpson!

Hey, all.

Do yourselves a favor today and open those wallets to charity. Go to the WDVE radio station website and click to listen to their live webcast. All day, from 9am-9pm EDT, they're doing a "pay-for-play" event that benefits flood relief. Anything you want, they'll play, but it'll cost you. Usually, they're a straight rock format, but today they've played stuff like Eminem, Right Said Fred, DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince, the Carpenters, the Pitt Fight Song, and the theme from Chiller Theatre (!). Requests start at $25--have your credit cards handy. I'm sure someone'll be calling shortly for The Captain & Tennille...

Someone, request Phantom Planet's "California," Tom Jones' "She's A Lady," Murray Head's "One Night in Bangkok," Warren Zevon's "Johnny Strikes Up the Band," or if you're really adventurous, try Manfred Mann's Earth Band's 1978 cover of their 1960s hit, "The Mighty Quinn." If you're daring, go for some Britney, Justin, Jessica, Ashlee, or even Ricky Martin (yes, "Livin' La Vida Loca"...I dare ya!). Just, whatever you do, don't request the Bloodhound Gang's "Fire Water Burn." And if you put in a request, let me know about it here.

If you don't wanna request something, then go to any number of sites that'll put your money in the right place-- the American Red Cross is a good place to start.

~G.

Don't Shoot Me...I'm Just Buying Gasoline!

Whew. Everyone out there better be sure to carry a baseball bat and make sure your auto insurance is paid up as you head to the pumps today. To say prices are volatile is an understatement. People are at the pumps acting like madpeople--punching and hitting each other just because one person thinks the other is "stealing" the gas that is "rightfully theirs." Regular grade gas is anywhere from $2.67 to $2.85 per gallon if you can get it in the Pittsburgh area. (I say 'if' because many stores around here are out of regular grade gas.) I've seen premium gas up to nearly $3.50. Gas is also $3.42/gallon in Atlanta. Rumor has it this is only the tip of the iceberg. Thank you Katrina, and f*** you OPEC.

I also believe cheapgas.com has requested a domain name change to nosuchthingascheapgas.com, or expensiveashellgas.com, or somesuch. Friends of George W. Bush and OPEC are phoning in comments of sincere thanks. I also think OPEC is holding hourly masses praising God, Allah, or the deity of their choice. People are also suddenly discussing the downfall of the entire infrastructure of the country, or just the downfall of the entire airline industry.

Inflation is right around the corner. Produce costs will soar, as will the price of anything carried by truck. Prices are on their way to...well, experts say $4/gallon, but I say $5. In this case I hope the experts are closer to the real figure than I am.

Let's hope it settles down soon, else it's just back issues and old books & magazines for me.

Just to state the obvious: anywhere near minimum wage ain't gonna cut it anymore.

Be careful out there. Like I said: baseball bats, auto insurance. And watch for water in the tank.

Why couldn't Reagan have kept up the research avenues for new fuel sources in '81 instead of vetoing all the legislature that President Carter put forth? Can't anyone see it's bad to rely on one type of fuel?

Is www.screw-you-opec.com taken?

~G.

More Fun (But No Comics)

I'll post in-depth later, but for now:

• I don't personally know anyone in the path of Hurricane Katrina, that passed through parts of Missisippi and Louisiana since Sunday night; however, that said, any people who are in those affected areas or know people down there--heck, everyone in general: you have my condolences, and I hope everything gets better down there soon. Life goes on.
• "You learn something new every day" dept.: I'm guessing the 80s band Mr. Mister was a Christian rock band. I haven't done any research, don't know a thing about 'em besides, but just yesterday I realized that their song "Kyrie" is not about a girl (silly, silly me), and is in fact a riff on the Greek mass' enunciation for "Lord have mercy" (Kyrie Eleison). I say thee "huh."
• Similarly: Anyone ever seen a movie from the 60s called Oh! What a Lovely War? The guy down at the barbecue stand at the bottom of the hill recommended it highly. It's allegedly a satire on par with Dr. Strangelove (Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb), which is absolutely brilliant. If you've seen it, speak up.
  
• Remington Steele is the best TV show produced in the early 1980s. I'm halfway through season 1 on DVD right now, and it's fantastic. Buy it, rent it from Netflix, I don't care...just watch.
• Work continues to grate. Remind me to tell you how the best advice I've offered so far was "Call the cops." Remember, it's a tech support line.
• I think I'm finally getting ready to write my first original novel. I'll be picking up a copy of Writer's Market shortly. Meanwhile, I'll just say it's very Twilight Zone, with a decent mix of autobiographicality and metafiction. Still in the outline stage and doing heavy research. Don't worry, I won't neglect my dear fans like you--I'll still be posting semiregularly here. I may have to cut back on the interviews & reviews soon enough if the book really gets rolling. By all means, pray that it does go well, because then, those of you who don't know me in person will be able to meet me on a nationwide book tour as I go full steam ahead to #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List.

That is all...oh, and yes, the infamous "lost post" is forthcoming. Check back in the archives for the topic I keep saying I'll talk about but never have. It's on its way.

~G.

Ode to Marzbar...You Know Who You Are

And although it's probably way outside probability, I hope you're reading my blog. If you are, then maybe you'd be surprised to see this entry, and maybe not so much. Or maybe you just enjoy Googling your own nickname from college and seeing what comes up, in which case, voila.

I'm acting a bit silly, I guess. I keep seeing one of your old AIM screen names popping up on my Buddy List and then just as quickly going away. I don't know if it's really you, or if someone else just happened to pick out that same nickname once you'd deserted it. (For all I know, someone stole your cell phone and that dratted AIM box keeps popping up every time they use it...) So seeing the nick pop up made me think of you, and thinking of you made me think of the few good times that were, and the many more that might have been...had I been a better man.

(Just so we're clear, all: the name up above? It's not the lady in question's AIM nick. So, nyah.)

The few occasions when we did talk together are etched into my mind forever. I just wish I was ready to step forward, take you by the hand, ask you out on a honest-to-gosh date. We met in the SFO at college, do you remember? You and your friend Kristin sat near my friend Liz and I at the first meeting of the semester--a screening of "Being John Malkovich," which, admittedly, I didn't want to sit through because I'd already seen the movie. But, hey, I wanted to join the club, and, having been away from campus for a semester due to illness (following some life-changing events...bad breakup and subsequent diagnosis of a chronic illness), I needed to ground myself in college life, and that meant going out and making new friends. I guess you were appointed.

I think at the time I was still in "date no one" mode, and maybe I also had a feeling or two for Liz, whom I'd only just met weeks before. Who can say? But weeks passed, meetings were held at your and Kristin's dorm. And the next thing I knew, I wanted to get to know you better.

Do you remember the time I dropped by the diner where you worked in the middle of the night? Here's a secret: I wasn't coming from any party downtown. I just came from my dorm, a few blocks away, to see you. You, with your glistening blond hair, intriguing eyes, warm smile, kind heart. We talked--about our respective college careers, movies we liked, books we'd read--and I let myself go for the first time in far too long. And then I walked you home at--what was it, 4 a.m.? I think I was beaming the whole way home.

I didn't know you had someone else...Jason, was it? The next time I went to the diner, I met him. Next thing I knew, you were gone from the diner, and I only very rarely saw you again. Some meetings for SFO, a chat or two on the phone, and at that winter choir performance at the Music Building. I guess the window of opportunity had passed.

So consider this a love letter, a few years too late, from me to you. I don't know where you are, or what you're doing, or if you're already married with kids. But I hope you've thought of me, and I hope we meet again someday. Most of all, I hope you're happy with where life has taken you.

I miss you, Marzzy.

~G.

This Message Will Self-Destruct in 30 Seconds...

I'm geeked out to the hilt, fellas. And it's something I can't really tell you much about, which is what irks me. So bear with me and I'll follow this up in a later post.

Everyone knows by now that I have an interviewing gig at Comixfan, in addition to reviewing. My first two interviews are up--one with Stuart Moore, writer of DC's Firestorm, and the other with Tony Bedard, writer of Marvel's Exiles series. If you haven't done so, surf over to the site and check out my articles.

So yeah, I came across promotional stuff (covers) I can't share until it's posted with a future interview.

But it's frickin' cool.

Not only is it frickin' cool because the artist is superb, but also because, well, one of my favorite characters, who hasn't been seen in about 8 years in comics, is represented prominently on said promo piece. (If you know my AOL screen name, you know who I'm talking about.) So prominently, do I dare hope that he has a similarly sizable role in the story behind the artwork? Here's hoping.

Last word: Marvel 2099, dudes. (Okay, two words.)

~G.

"Mein Kampf" for Children

Whee, this is fun. I hate to go two political entries in a row, but this is necessary. I think my brain just went "China Syndrome." (Sorry, Rod!)

I guess humor has found its way into the kiddies' section at your local Barnes & Noble Bookseller. Katharine DeBrecht and Jim Hummel have written and illustrated a book titled Help! Mom! There are Liberals Under My Bed! I saw this on the news today and couldn't help but sigh. Parents, you can combat liberal indoctrination perpetrated by 99% of today's media by purchasing this little book, reading it into your iPod, and setting the looped recording at your sleeping children's bedside 7 days a week, until like a miracle, your children will begin quoting long passages from the book without knowing how they knew all this stuff!

Seriously, I'd rather teach a child to think for himself, and try showing him/her both sides of the political spectrum, than practice any sort of preachy indoctrination. That way lies madness. But then again, by asking them to choose, aren't I (gasp) practicing liberalism? Oh no!

Just for shits and giggles: take out "liberal" from the title and insert any describer that happens to apply to you. Would you be offended? Chances are you aren't alone.

No, I haven't read the book, and apparently the people who "reviewed" it on amazon.com are all bald-faced liars, because on said news program, they said it doesn't come out until late September. Anything I say now, those unaffiliated with my liberal leanings will say, is rampant speculation and is ugly, ugly, hideous ranting based on conjecture rather than fact. (paging Mr. Hannity...) I say the mere fact that there is a book out there whose purpose is to convert young, impressionable minds to a specific school of thought, no matter whether conservative or even liberal, is wrong. That's called propaganda, folks, and it doesn't get any wronger than marketing it to kids. Kids who cannot possibly understand the complexities of what it means to be "left-wing" or "right-wing." You know, little future politicos (not present ones) who think wings are things associated with flying animals and angels?

And if--if--this is a satire, then it's in poor taste, because kids don't recognize satire. Not only that, the best satires, the best expressions of views, are done quietly, subtextually, slickly. From the information I've seen so far on this book, it's got all the subtlety of a door spring-loaded with spikes from a James Bond movie, or the laser Goldfinger had aimed at 007's crotch. This book just perpetuates the hideous stereotype of conservatives as illiterate lunkheads. (Which they are, but--aww, skip it. Hiya, choir! I preach to thee!)

Life experience is a better teacher. Indoctrination at an early age is a tactic used by people fearful what their children will grow up to become. It's a tool of the weak. (It was also a tool of the Soviets, and the Nazis used it on the Hitler Juden with anti-Semitic stories.) Why use obvious parodies of Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy as shining examples of "the enemy" if not to breed contempt in young minds for the real people? (Hint: one of them's on the Presidential short list for '08.) A better question to ask in this instance is: why are conservatives such as the authors of this book so afraid of letting their children grow up and think for themselves? Why do they want to instill this kind of hatred and cynicism in their kids?

Kids, if your parents try reading you this book, get the gun out of their top drawer (crawl up so you can reach), and shoot them. Parents, if you are thinking about getting this book to read to your kids, take some Zoloft, and if that doesn't work, refer to what I'd have your kid do.

Remember folks, smart people are not (necessarily) evil. Dumb people can be leagues more dangerous.

~G.

America's Love Affair With the Stupids Continues Interminably

Iraqis keep dying, as do our own soldiers. Pro-and anti-war peoples converge on the ranch down in Crawford, Texas, where our fair President is taking his record fiftieth vacation. (Not to worry, he's getting his daily briefings and making non-prepped, awful-sounding speeches to let us know he's apparently still working.) How'd we get to this point? How do people still believe that the war is just and that it's worth fighting and that we can possibly win?

I'm saddened at the U.S. of A. We've got a terrible anti-intellectual bias infiltrating its way across the country, and it's succeeded in restoring George W. Bush for another term filled with lies, schemes, anti-liberal jargon, and anti-science bullcrap. No, I'm not anti-Republican; I'm anti-Bush. The one man who knew what was going on in the most corrupt administration this side of Richard Milhous Nixon, General Colin Powell (Ret.), saw that to try and light the way with truth and reason was not going to work, and rather than be forced to tow the company line and carry on this truly sickening series of events in the Middle East (today, Iraq; tomorrow, some other country that has a "Q" in it that links them to Al-Qaeda), he stepped down. The only horrifying consequence of that action was that in came Condi and no voice of dissent/reason was there to stop Bush from doing what in his mind needed to be done: namely, wrecking our democracy and plunging the world into armageddon.

Fact is, President Bush wrecked every business he got his hands on. Oil business tanks? Daddy was only too glad to give him another. What makes the average person think he won't end up wrecking the U.S. just like he did the companies he headed? Worse yet, he seems to believe the American public act at his whim, and not the other way around. We hired you, buddy--try to not screw up.

Why was Bush elected? He had one hell of a spin doctor in Karl Rove who helped him hide the bodies. Also, again, America had an attack of the stupids. No Arabs are good Arabs, some major one-sided thinking on the part of WASPs who can't even tolerate African-Americans. Oh yeah, racial profiling is our friend, of course. SCIENCE IS BAD. Science creates monsters, y'know! Even embryos which will never, ever be used to make babies should never, ever be used for stem cell research that could potentially save hundreds of thousands of lives because life is sacred and they might really, truly, someday be babies no matter what scientists say. After all, scientists are wrong about evolution, too--God obviously made us and the Earth in six days. (I'm being facetious, but I'll come back to this later.)

And we can't ever trust smart people. Did I mention that? Smart people know more than average people, and can use their intelligence against us, to hide things and do bad things while we think they're doing good things. So if we give the job to a guy who's just average-smart, he won't have the brainpower to do anything that we don't want him doing. He won't be able to hoodwink us! Jeezus, what genius. It's working really well so far. Newsflash: some smart people can act dumb. Another newsflash: it's patently obvious that Mr. Bush's brain has been pickled by years of alcohol and drug abuse, and...good grief, have you heard his unrehearsed speeches from the Crawford ranch? Do you need more evidence? Quite frankly, I'm amazed that anyone who actually listened to what the man said voted for him after the disastrous series of debates he had with John Kerry last year.

People, I get that Cindy Sheehan is being exploited by the news media, her story being stretched too far. But is she wrong to express her opinion? To many Conservatives, yes, she is, and she should shut the hell up. I say you should be able to express your opinions no matter how they differ from those in power, so long as you're not breaking any laws. And that goes especially during wartime. Make your voice heard, but be sure to do it after having reviewed enough facts to not seem like an idiot. Don't do anything "just 'cuz."

Still think the news media is wrong and that everything in Iraq is hunky-dory? Read the Baghdad Burning blog for something truly enlightening about daily Iraqi life.

Still think Bush is pro-technology and a middle-of-the-road Republican? Read "I Miss Republicans" and "The President and Intelligent Design" over at Kung Fu Monkey. You gotta love this stuff.

Bring our troops home. The longer the insanity continues, the worse we look to the rest of the world. It doesn't matter what we think we're doing--the fact is we started in the wrong place, haven't captured who we want to capture, and the next Vietnam is here--what matters is what everyone thinks we're doing. And it looks like we're plowing over Islam and proving we're the Great White Devil that Bin Laden thinks we are. Bin Laden's people attacked us, which gives us a license to kick his butt in Afghanistan, not a license to try and bring the whole of Arab nations together under the veil of democracy or to attack a completely different nation just because they share a "Q" with the name of the terrorist organization that was responsible for the 9/11 attacks.

Toodles!

~G.

In 6 Months, I'll SO Be Running the Joint...

I'll try to make a few long-awaited blog entries very soon. In the meantime, know ye that I got a job, starting tomorrow. Help desk, call center. The hours will probably be too short (or too long, in that case, benefits would be good), the pay's definitely too little, but a resume credit's a resume credit. You know what they say--the first post-college job is the hardest to get, but once it's gotten...

~G.

Movies I Hate to Love: Van Helsing

Ever seen one of those movies that seems absolutely horrid on first viewing, but then, just like a fungus, it begins, quite unbidden, to grow on you? And the more you watch it, the worse it gets. It's worse by far than a train wreck in slow-motion. Everything in your head screams at you that you shouldn't like this movie, but somehow, something in it appeals to your hidden baboon instincts, and whoop, there it is.

So it is with me and monster-movie-gone-seriously-awry, Van Helsing.

(Forewarned is forearmed dept: Those who don't want the film spoiled for them, um Gottes Namen, cease reading now!)

I didn't like the movie at all when first I saw it in the theatre. Hugh Jackman's a good, solid actor, and he's manly and heroic and all. Kate Beckinsale is, truthfully, pretty damned sexy in her latter-19th-century corset and leather, and I like the Balkan accent. But the monsters? Richard Roxburgh is no Bela Lugosi, Shuler Hensley is a poor man's Frankenstein Monster, and there are too many werewolves in the story to ever truly get a bead on them.

On top of that, Van Helsing has been transformed into an All-Purpose Monster Hunter (TM) rather than the psychologist-cum-vampire killer he was in Stoker's book. He also turns out to be some immortal on-par with Dracula himself--"The Left Hand of God," Dracula calls him. And to add insult to injury, writer/director Stephen Sommers makes him into a 19th-Century James Bond, complete with secret organization backing him (combined with a modern 'deny everything' bent that makes him look to society at large as an enemy a la Spider-Man of sorts) and his trusty sidekick, Friar Carl (who, thank God, is not named Quentin, or Quincy, or anything else that would remind the audience of his true inspiration--James Bond's trusty Q, be it division or just Desmond Llwellyn). Also, there's the trivial matter of the first name change--from Stoker's Abraham (possibly an early Mary Sue character, since Stoker's first name was Bram, short for Abraham) to Sommers' Gabriel Van Helsing.

Then, we start getting into deeper crap, the likes of which one needs a shovel to sift through. Dracula and his brides have litters of dead kids that are hung in webby sacs that hang from the rafters of the castle proper. It's said during the film that hundreds of these born-dead nasties come from a single birthing. Dracula's purpose in the film is to use the techniques Victor Frankenstein perfected in his creation of the infamous Frankenstein Monster to bring his own children to life. Y'know, the vampire reproductive process, I thought, was generally a bite and a suck and that was that, but it appears something changes the fundamental human biology. My brain crashed and had to reboot when first I tried considering just how the whole vampire impregnation and birth process takes place. It's something I still can't wrap my head around. Steve (Sommers), if you're reading this, can you offer some insight? Or is this just one big plothole? Do all these mini-eggs just fly out her cooch and stick to the ceilings, growing and then somehow "dying on the vine," or do the Missus Draculas grow to have 200-foot wide wombs and expel all these puppies at once, or what? Help a brotha out.

Lastly, we get to that nasty problem of "only werewolf bites can kill Dracula," which is sure to be invalidated the moment Van Helsing 2 goes into heavy production. We've seen it all over the years in vampire films. Roses, stakes, silver, garlic, fire, decapitation, dismemberment, yadda yadda yadda. Can anything really deal the Prince of Darkness his final demise? It seemed an arbitrary, nonsensical addition to the canon. Werewolves. Ha! It might help if we knew how/if a relation between werewolf and vampire came to be, and why it only pertains to Dracula.

But now, I've finished watching the film for maybe the third or fourth time since getting it on DVD last Christmas. And you know something? I've fallen under its spell. I love the sets, I love Van Helsing himself (in a manly way, dammit), those vampiresses (Josie Maran and the one with red tresses are hot--the brunette, ehhh), and I even like the pitiable creature the Frankenstein Monster has become. (Although I still don't buy Carl's "I'm not supposed to help you!"/"I want to live!"/"All right!" spiel at the end.) I even like Dracula in this one (even though Max Schreck and Christopher Lee are still my favorites). The film's not remotely scary, but it's very atmospheric and that counts for a lot.

It's weird fun and I hate myself for loving this flick. In a different way than hating Sommers' two-and-a-half Mummy flicks. I hate it so much that I bought the single-disc release at Best Buy, took the bonus disc out of there and hocked the movie itself to a friend, then got the 3-disc "Ultimate Collector's Edition" of same, put the old bonus disc in there, and even now keep watching this flick.

Anyone else have any flicks they feel the same about?

Maybe if I get a good response to this article, I'll post more film stuff. Pipe up!

~G.

I Love My Pens (And Some Steelers Talk, Too)

Looks like the lockout was the best thing for those Pittsburgh Penguins.

This just in for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past few weeks: the Penguins hit the jackpot when they were awarded the first overall pick in the 2005 NHL Draft, selecting 17-year-old hockey prodigy Sidney Crosby, who's been wowing the hockey world since he was just a li'l pup. He's been called the next Great One, the next Lemieux, the next whatever else. On the strength of his being drafted, former Pens and players around the league are said to be coming out of the woodwork wanting to be signed by the Pens, eager for the chance to play alongside the Next Big Thing(TM). I even hear rumors Pittsburgh persona non grata Jaromir Jagr wants to come back. Truly, hell is getting unusually frigid this time of year.

I'm getting my tickets for some games tomorrow *fingers crossed hoping*.

See Sidney on tonight's Leno show on NBC, yo.

Oh, also FWIW, I don't care about Hines Ward not showing up at Steelers camp this week. If he wants to sit out the whole season, nobody's stopping him. The Steelers already offered him a contract that is head and shoulders above what any other Steeler in history has been paid. If he doesn't want to take it, that's his problem. Yeah, he's a good guy, but there are also limits to people's tolerance and generosity.

Crohn's Disease is on the warpath today--finally getting settled down now. No more hot sausage subs at Peppi's in the Strip for a while. (No, I don't eat the Roethlisburger.)

Also getting the silent films out. May watch Lon Chaney's Hunchback of Notre Dame, or maybe F.W. Murnau's Faust. Anyone up for Lang's Die Nibelungen?

Seriously, I'm doing thinking on the Weird Science "perfect woman" post. Doing some location scouting. It'll be up this weekend sometime.

In other news: the Hulk may have a daughter!

~G.

Not quite feeling superficial yet...

...but in other news, I hope everyone's bought their Tru Calling Season Two DVD sets this week. If you haven't, well, save your money for next week, when Anchor Bay Entertainment releases the set I didn't think would ever be released...until a few months ago, when word of the release came my way.

Without further ado: Profit: The Complete Series.

I assure you, it's every bit as good as it looks, and then some.

Also on the books from Paramount: War of the Worlds, Season One. Maybe Friday the 13th isn't too far away...
~G.

There Might Be a God

According to tvshowsondvd.com today, plans have been confirmed that Warner Bros. Home Entertainment will be releasing "The Flash" on DVD, in late 2005 or early 2006. This news comes on the heels of a recent announcement that one episode of the cult TV show (my personal favorite amid all the superhero shows that ever made it to the airwaves) will be made available as part of Warner's 50th anniversary of their TV programming, as supplement to the 4th season Smallville DVD set.

Of course, also on today's plate: an interview at Newsarama with 30 Days of Night horror writer emeritus Steve Niles, who is also writing the one-shot Marvel Monsters: Monsters on the Prowl featuring art by Duncan Fegredo and starring a certain green-skinned behemoth whom I personally can't get enough of. The book is 48 pages, costs $3.99, and ships October 26th. The book already has a stunning Banner-to-Hulk transformation sequence (which you can see by visiting the above link). Could be the book of the year for me. I suggest anyone who wants to see an A-list writer on board The Incredible Hulk regular title pick this one up. In the interview, Mr. Niles expressed his burning desire to write the Hulk on a regular basis, and certainly shows the enthusiasm required for the project. He's begged and pleaded with Marvel's editorial, but has continually met with rejection. Marvel needs to know Steve Niles is someone we Hulk fans want on the book! So, you guys know the drill: buy Niles' one-shot, and write in!

You Really Don't Want To Know What I Think (Or: Shouldn't That Be "Hulk: Piece of S***"?)

Pray this one doesn't make it off the drawing board: recently, on amazon.com, it was "revealed" that the next Incredible Hulk trade paperback to reach bookstores following the "House of M" one will be called "Peace on Earth" and will be written by Daniel Way.

Now, I could have titled this post, "Retard Hired for Hulk Gig," but I've a little more couth than that, most days.

I've made no secret of the fact I don't like Mr. Way's work much, and I don't like the way he talks. He doesn't sound particularly "edjimacated." He's a cook (he says a "chef," calling CBR reporter Jonah Weiland a "dumbass" for making the mistake, but yes, chef, cook, same diff) that landed one fancy-schmancy award (the Xeric Grant) and who automatically feels that entitles him to a living tearing comic characters down one living legend at a time. He's written Marvel heavies like Spider-Man (well, guest-starring the villain Tombstone, draining all the flavor, and rearranging like a prison "drop-the-soap" dramedy), Venom (ripping the symbiote from the villain, attaching it to a dozen someone elses, involving men in black and exotic locales and--I'm sorry, are you falling asleep from the perceived similarities to John Carpenter's The Thing and Bruce Jones' run on The Incredible Hulk? Mea culpa!), Bullseye (proving you really can't screw up writing a character who never really had any depth of character for the previous 20 years, so why start now?), and Wolverine (old guy, knives in his hands, nothing remotely good has been done with him in at least 20 years...wow, sounds almost like that Bullseye guy!). I don't know who this guy has blackmail material on to get this many high-profile Marvel gigs, but I wish said Marvel associate wouldn't take the crap and would report the guy to the proper authorities already.

I haven't even gotten to my fun quotes portion of this entry. A year or so ago, Mr. Way was talking with Pennsylvania's very own Jen Contino about an upcoming project of his, an Ant Man series written for Marvel's MAX imprint, that was subsequently scrapped. I'll just post some snippets, for fun...make up your own mind whether he's just joking around or whether he cares that little for anyone besides himself:

"THE PULSE: What do you find the most challenging about having the variety?

"WAY: The most challenging part is sitting down to write when all I really want to do is get f***ed-up and get laid."

"THE PULSE: Hank Pym in the Ultimates universe seems a little "Max" but the mainstream universe Hank Pym has never seemed that cutting edge or mature - at least before the Avengers 71 issue - so why was this Ant Man (as opposed to Scott Lange ) chosen for the Max series?

"WAY: I don't know (just like I don't know about this "Avengers 71" thing). Marvel sent me this big book of old Ant-Man stories and said "go". I flipped through it--sometimes he got really small, sometimes he got really big...I didn't know what the f*** was going on. So I just read the first 6 or 8 pages of the first story, got it and went off."

"THE PULSE: What are some of the elements that will make this comic have to be for Mature readers?

"WAY: The butt-f***ing, mostly."

"THE PULSE: Which would you rather be: Ant Man or Giant Man or Yellowjacket? Why?

"WAY: Who the f*** are Giant Man and Yellowjacket? Doesn't matter: None of the above."

"THE PULSE: What other projects are you working on?

"WAY: I'm working on this movie called "Kill-Crazy Nymphos Attack". It's gonna be f***in' RETARDED."

You can read the interview for yourself right here. Don't say I didn't warn you folks. Seriously, there are no f***in' edits anywhere to be found.

Needless to say, I don't want to see this f***er anywhere near my Hulk.

And you can quote me on that s***.

Now, anyone got any questions for me to ask him in case I gotta do an interview with 'im for Comixfan?

~G.

Wouldn't Know It By Listening to My Radio

My name is Gary, and I'm a liberal.

(Stop looking at me like that's a bad thing.)

So it may seem strange to you what I listen to on the radio in the afternoon: The Sean Hannity Show.

Maybe that should be the vice I'm admitting as step one of this little 12-stepper. I think it's my one guilty pleasure above all others: listening to a guy on the radio whom I personally just can't stand, because in my mind, he has such a wrongheaded P.O.V. If the man leaned any further to the right, he'd fall over, or maybe if he just stays vertically and accelerates to the right, he'd be stuck in the Source Wall or something. (People who aren't fans of Jack Kirby's New Gods, need not apply.) I mean sometimes, very infrequently I'll add, I may share an opinion with the guy. We both knew Jacko was guilty (and yet he got off). And I don't feel all that terrible about John Roberts coming up as Supreme Court nominee.

Truth to tell, so much of the Hannity show is a comedy. How can it not be? In the Wild Wild West of Hannity's America, left is right, right is wrong, black is white, up is down, and George W. Bush is the good guy. Those lefties are just doing everything they can to bring the guy in the white ten-gallon hat down! According to Hannity, we lefties are lunkheads whose sole purpose is to come up with as many nonsensical reasons to hate the right as possible. If we happen to be right, that's a complete accident and can be solved by some creative tinkering. Meanwhile, Hannity hangs out with bigots (Mark Fuhrman), traitors (Ollie North), yes-men, and all manner of pondscum renowned for their "honest, insightful" opinions. In fact, his friends and their transgressions make Bill Clinton, whom he so frequently rips to shreds, look like a God's-honest saint.

Okay, some libs deserve the laughter when they call in, because some are so uninformed I have to laugh. But Hannity even makes fun of the folks who have solid opinions that run counter to his neocon ideology! Bush is a god and should never be questioned because he, Condi, Crummy, and D*ckhead Cheney are just so darn cool? Last I heard, it was every American citizen's God-given right to challenge authority, to speak our minds, to let it be known when we think the country is headed in the wrong direction. We got it spat back in our faces saying to suggest anything of the sort is treason and insults our men and women in uniform. "Attention kids, we're at war, so please, save your insults for the bureaucracy until we're finished." Sometimes the most patriotic thing we can do is voice opposition to what we perceive as injustices. That means, dear conservatives, "Nyah-nyah."

Don't get me started on how far to the right the American government is leaning, so far right that--oh, wait, I already used that analogy. So far right that it makes people like me look all that much further left. Where's the centrism? Gone, and apparently replaced by a whole bunch of Evangelical Christians. Born-Again Hypocrites. Say one thing and smoke another. Start a war, find a reason later. Never apprehend the guilty parties because, well, they finance the good ol' U.S. of A. Put all your cronies in one cabinet and toss the dissenters (Colin Powell, whom I like) out on their keisters. Sorry, charlie--we don't like Condi because she's too close to you, not because she's black! Ditto with Gonzales: ill-qualified, not because he's Latino. Yet, the Republican hype machine continues, reducing all us dissenters into blithering idiots, coining such witticisms as "Kerry Catholics" and "Turban Durbin." Yet, when we play the name game back, we're called on it. You call that fair?

I'm going to stop before my fictitious boss fires my quite real butt. (On that note, kids: soon I will wax philosophic about Remington Steele on DVD!)

In the meantime: links!

http://www.tvnewslies.org/html/sean_hannity.html
http://www.spinsanity.org/columns/20020826.html
http://www.americanprogress.org/site/pp.asp?c=biJRJ8OVF&b=91585
http://www.hannityisamoron.com/

~G.

Yes, Yes, I've Been a Bad, Bad Blogger

I'm back. Hurrah.

Second: nearly got a job in Arizona. Actually, while I've been home for nearly two weeks, the employment agency with which I am registered wanted me in town (Phoenix) for an interview this last week, with the purpose of starting a job tomorrow. I told them I was back in Pittsburgh finishing up some business. I really need to start the move.

Problem: Crohn's Disease is currently on the relapse. Boo. Hiss. Probably the biggest reason why I didn't run for a plane ticket last week. Sorry, kids.

Fun: When in Arizona, I went to a few restaurants, the usual hangouts. And, surprisingly, the usual suspects were in attendance. At Alice Cooper'stown in downtown Phoenix, the same old waitress from 9 months ago was there. Similarly, at the friendly neighborhood IHOP, good ol' Maggie, Latina heartthrob, served me.

Not so much fun: When at Alice Cooper'stown, a spot I can't recommend highly enough, the family and I ordered "The Great One" BBQ feast, consisting of bunches of yummy stuff--enough for an army or three. While feasting on the ribs (mmm, ribs), I took one of the bottles of barbecue sauce (four flavors, collect-'em, trade-'em) and shook it. Nothing came out. Shook and squeezed harder, and BLAAAT! Out poured, nay, sprayed copious amounts of the red stuff all over me and my brand-new T-shirt. Oh, it was everywhere. What did I get for my trouble? A shiny souvenir T-shirt of my own choosing from the boutique in the front of the restaurant. I took one with the logo you'll see first on the website. And I had the leftovers later on. For what it's worth, the gunk came out of the other shirt--it's good as new. Two shirts for the price of one, and a great meal besides.

I'll put up some pictures of the restaurant soon. The place must be seen to be believed. Rock memorabilia, sports memorabilia (a Lemieux jersey hanging from the rafters...yay!). The wait staff all wear black eye makeup in the traditional Alice style (and first-timers to the place get their eyes done up as well). Yes, Alice stops by often, as do a lot of his buddies from the worlds of music, movies, and sports. The celebs are encouraged to sign the walls. (The best by far: "All in all it's just the best spot on the wall!" signed next to the ladies' restroom by Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters.)

I have plenty more to talk about, but will refrain so I remember to come back soon. In the meantime, kiddies, check out your local Best Buy store this coming Tuesday to secure your copy of their exclusive Tru Calling - Season Two DVD set. It includes one never-before-seen-in-the-U.S. episode among the six in the set. Yes, the show was hit-and-miss, but if the weblog of Tru writer Doris Egan is anything to judge, the second season, had it not been canceled so early in the season, was going to step things up to true grand guignol level. In other words, from mediocrity, good stuff. (I'm talking to you, Liz!)

More to come.

~G.

Condolences

My condolences to any and all Brits out there due to the senseless violence perpetrated in London...well, for you guys it would be yesterday. Just like on 9/11, when the world declared "We are all Americans"...well, today, I'll at least say I'm a Brit. (Even though I'm really not...darn, but it doesn't pay to be remotely flippant today.)

Any Brits who feel like speaking up, the floor is yours.

~G.

P.S.: I'm going on vacation tomorrow for a week, trying to find a job out west and trying to have fun. (No San Diego Comic-Con this year, sorry folks.) I will return next weekend with mindless, prurient ramblings...something about having to wait to be seated at a restaurant until the wait stuff is done dancing, and oh, purely physical stuff about the opposite sex. Stay happy while I'm gone.

Nothing Delusional About This: Fallen Angel

From Peter David's weblog:



Flippin' fantastic. This is as good as it gets, kiddies. FALLEN ANGEL--a creator-owned comic I've been following since its beginnings over at DC (who treated the book like a nasty, redheaded stepchild and got it canceled after 20 issues), is coming back this winter compliments of the fine folks at IDW. Peter David is still writing his creation, of course, but the original series artists, David Lopez and Fernando Blanco, will not be returning. When I heard that, I thought it was a bit of a travesty--until I saw the above picture. A new artist has arrived--one that might just 'save' the Fallen Angel and bring a new awareness to the title. I'm not saying Lopez and Blanco were bad--the new guy, J.K. Woodward, is just that much better.

Pick this one up in December, peoples. And in the meantime, pick up DC's first and only trade paperback collection.

~G.

Making the Big Time: Batman Begins Movie Review

Hey, all,

Check out my review of Batman Begins at Comixfan.com:

Batman Begins Movie Review

Now, if only this review came up on Rotten Tomatoes... *sigh*

Anyone else see this flick? I give it a 4 out of 5.

~G.

I Did It (So You Won't Have To)

Compliments of Yahoo's message boards...the funniest message subject lines, regardless of matters of personal taste:

Jesus Juice For All at Neverland
Pedophilia Legal In California!
Jacko Freed! Whackos Celebrate!
Rich Black Man Free to Molest Again (okay, this one's racist...take 'black' out and it still reads funny)
Just Wait Till He Molests His Own Kids
Jacko the Ripper Parties Tonight
Boys Jumping Out of Cakes at Neverland Tonight
Sleepover - Milk, Cookies, Boys Served at Neverland Tonight
MJ to OJ and Blake: "Couldn't Have Done It Without You"

So which are the real headlines, which did I paraphrase, and which did I make up for a quick funny?

~G.

Living in Bizarro World (The Michael Jackson Edition)

Goodbye people,

Me am not very upset today. Me becoming less upset the less me doesn't think about it.

Jacko, good woman, am found guilty today. On no counts. Me happy. Him did good things to little boys and got punished for it! Why? Justice have been served. Verdict is proof money not buy...um, verdicts. Mesereau not shyster lawyer. Jurors not really afraid of being ones who find Jacko not guilty! They good people. People remember: where no smoke, no fire! Him been accused before for nothing!

Between this and not living in Bush world, me ready to not take razor and make self live.

Me live in Bizarro world, where down am not up, where right am not wrong, where yes not mean no.

Me will not talk about verdict later, when me am not so calm. Me not really want to know what you think.

Hello,

.G~

(*To not read this message the way it not meant, please not use reverse of nothing me said.)

A Blatant Attempt to Spice It Up Around Here (Or: SEX! SEX! SEX!)

Good morning, campers!

(So it's afternoon, almost evening. Who cares?)

I am one of the tragically un-hip. That much is a given. As proof: I went to a bar for the express purpose of singing karaoke last night. And I go every week. Doesn't that just scream, "Loser"?

So I'm waiting to see if I'll be up one last time, so I can sing some Barry (Manilow, not White; not "Can't Get Enough of Your Love Babe," but rather, "Copacabana (At the Copa)"...yes, I'm continually aware that I suck). And meanwhile, there's a group of girls, with a few guys, in back. One of said hot, hot, hot graduates from the drama queen academy starts to pester me about letting her and her friends sing the next song with me. Offers me a twenty. My buddy Brian whispers, none too softly, that I should ask for--yeah, you guessed it--*makes sucking noise*. Have the girl make like Monica Lewinsky. The reason I say Brian said it none too softly was that next thing you know, she starts volunteering half her cadre's services in administering said action (without asking any of them, natch). Are we having fun yet? Of course, not being the epitome of James Dean-style cool, and never having been in said situation before to consider a response, I'm struck dumb.

You know what song they wanna sing? Gloria Gaynor's 1979 ode to homosexuals the world over, "I Will Survive." They tell me "Copa" is too old and they don't know it. Never mind, of course, that Manilow's song debuted only the year before "I Will Survive." So, they want to emasculate me and make it up to me by sucking my d!ck.* Are we having fun yet?

I turned 'em down. Of course I turned 'em down! Guys around who may or may not be boyfriends, girls freely attempting to loan out their girlfriends for sex (okay, so most young people today don't consider oral to be sex, but anyway...)...it all adds up to cruelty. But I could have had more fun with it. You know, I could have asked for a sign of good faith. I could have even gone so far as to *gasp* actually sing the song they wanted me to sing. (I have thought about it, even though I don't go...the way most guys who sing that song go.) What's the best line I could manage? "Let me think about that for a second.....ummmmmmmmmm, no."

And then I started singing the Barry, using the wireless mic my buddy brought, and dancing with a few older women (to qualify: a few years older than me) in tow around the bar.

Please, someone just kill me.

Or teach me to be cool.

~G.

P.S.: Some time later, the same girl had whipped cream from the birthday girl's cake in her hand. As Brian sang around the bar, she went up to him and smeared some on his face. He quickly took said cream and smeared it right through her hair! I had to give him a high-five. Good grief, that was funny. Worst thing is, it seems she didn't even really notice.

P.P.S.: * - Self-censorship brought to you by the guy dressed as a pirate in Michael Nesmith's Elephant Parts that brought you the letter "I."

The Hype Machine Continues Interminably...

More reviews:

Last Hero Standing #1 Review
Dracula Vs. King Arthur #1 Review
Incredible Hulk #82 Review
Firestorm #14 Review
Green Lantern #1 Review
The OMAC Project #2 Review

Check me out!

Oh, and a new Ruddfu--um, I mean Fuddrucker's opened up in Pittsburgh, so I'm gonna go try out the grub tonight. (You know, the joke never gets old....switch two letters and voila!)

~G.

Paging Linda Lovelace...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

First, the Comics Industry...Tomorrow, the World!

Hey all,

I forgot to mention I'm now an official reviewer at ComiX-Fan, with about 6 reviews up right now and one more before the night's out. Check me out over there on a regular basis!

Adventures of Superman #640 Review
Batman: Dark Detective #2 Review
DC Special: The Return of Donna Troy #1 Review
The Flash #222 Review
The Incredible Hulk #81 Review
Manhunter #10 Review

And to think...it all started with people over at ComiXtreme pi$$ing me off (see my "Ruminations: Incredible Hulk #80" post)!

~G.

Siriusly F***ed Up

Last night, on the way home from my usual weekend jaunt to Dave & Buster's, I was listening to my newly-installed Sirius satellite radio. For those of you who don't yet have one, by all means, get one. But, beware. Beware Channel 11, "Kids' Stuff."

Beware!

No, really. Chancing across this channel made a longstanding thought from the back of my head (check under the hair, it's there) come to the fore. What was so terrible about this station, above all others? It was this little ditty called "Sk8er Boi." Okay, you wonder, what's so bad about that? It wasn't sung by Avril Lavigne, but rather, by some studio musician and a bunch of kids! Yes, refer back to the station's name. Back in college, I remember watching TV and a commercial came on, an ad for a new CD with today's pop hits sung by kids! Is this concept as ludicrous to anyone else out there as it is to me?

Now, if you answered "no," then maybe you just don't know the song. It's about a guy and a girl who do the nasty, she has a kid, he goes on to become a big rock star, and he's got this girlfriend he now has sex with, and she convinces him to write this song about the girl I mentioned at the beginning. And this isn't somehow weird to have kids singing this song and broadcast it on a kids' station? The same thing occurred to me when I watched that old ad, because one of the songs featured was Michelle Branch's "Are You Happy Now?" also sung by kids. The world is really strange.

On the even more bizarre side: on Sirius Hits 1, I listened to an "aLl MaShEd" version of Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious" mixed with Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Weird!

~G., waiting for the Kidz Bop version of Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know"

P.S.: Or how about Ashlee Simpson's "Lala"?

Yeah, Yeah, So Sue Me...

I know I'm pitifully late on updating this blog. It's not because I don't have anything to say--well, that may have a little to do with it, but it's mainly because I'm trying very hard to get a job, whether in the Pittsburgh area, or out in Arizona. And some things have come up just this week that make Phoenix more probable, but also, make Pittsburgh potentially more appealing. More on that as it develops.

I'm also in mid-read of Peter David and Esteban Maroto's magnum opus "The Atlantis Chronicles," published by DC Comics. It's the history of Atlantis in the DC Comics universe between the time of Arion and the birth of Aquaman--a period I neither knew nor cared about until very recently. Peter (henceforth PAD) says it's his personal favorite of all his works to date, so I took it on faith, and was able to procure the 7-issue miniseries from a local comic shop and from an online vendor. It took me several months to find time to read it, but now I'm just about finished with #5, and the series does not disappoint. It's a pretty complex story of the Atlantean monarchy, its trials and tribulations over the centuries, and it's loads of fun. I like the trick that almost every section of the story is told by a different narrator, with different biases toward chronicling the history. DC Comics should seriously consider putting this series out in trade paperback format--I can't believe it's so good.

Also, I've been watching some TV, particularly The O.C. and Smallville, and I gotta say the latter is turning itself around nicely after being in a morass for most of the season. Clark hasn't been the focal point of a lot of the stories recently, and a few weeks ago, a good episode (the "Tale of Two Lexes") was marred by the reversion of Lionel into his "Magnificent Bastard" persona. And by the by, why is it that just about everyone who's a main cast member gets their memories wiped when they get really close to a K-freak or are affected by kryptonite? I was hoping that Clark would know that Chloe knows his secret by now (brilliant episode, that), but no, everything was wiped clean again by episode's close. C'mon, Al and Miles, don't be content with the status quo! Rock the boat!

And on The O.C., the moment I had waited for since the season premiere finally happened: we know that Ryan has an illegitimate kid, that Theresa didn't miscarry. It wasn't a surprise for me--pretty much a certainty from the premiere onward, but it was nice to see the plot acknowledged. And this week, George Lucas sold out once more by providing a special guest-spot on the show, a week before Episode III comes out. I'm sure this spot will be reviled soon just about as much as the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Nothing else I can talk about right now...maybe later.

~G.