Of Jones Soda and Tissue Time...

I'm back...

Updates for everyone. Job: don't ask. Novel: don't ask...well, truthfully I've completed my notes, am shuffling plot points (really, I've got note cards!), and am no more than a week away from cracking chapter 1. (Or a prologue. I'm still not sure about that...) Comixfan: shame on you if you haven't been keeping up! I'm doing a bunch of interviews, two for next summer's big Marvel event (one of 'em, anyway), and several more for a March-shipping Marvel event I can't even discuss, it's so New and cool. Within the next week, my interview with Mike W. Barr of MAZE AGENCY fame will be up. Surely you've seen my triad of EXILES interviews and the Jeff Mariotte ANGEL interview, right?

I got inspired to write again mainly by two separate, unrelated events that happened yesterday. It was my buddy Matt's birthday, and so in addition to cake, he somehow decided against all logic to buy the Jones Soda 2005 Holiday Pack--five flavored sodas packaged together--five sodas only remotely yummy if you're living in Bizarro-land. I implore you guys, do NOT try these flavors at home! They include: Brussels Sprout with Prosciutto, Cranberry Sauce, Turkey & Gravy, Wild Herb Stuffing, and Pumpkin Pie. Y'know something? Scratch that. If you want to vomit, projectile-style, then this Holiday Pack is for you. (No, do not send me pictures.)

The other event is probably more palatable, at least to the guys out there. I've made no secret of my reverence for Howard Stern, who's about to make the leap to SIRIUS satellite radio in January. I've had my subscription since last December awaiting the blessed event. Well, since last month sometime, Howard 100 has gone on-air, featuring newscasts and the occasional special event. I really, really could do without fart-a-thons and Wendy the Retard doing a 24-hour broadcast, but finally something worthwhile came on the air this Monday past. Playboy model Heidi Cortez, a frequent Stern show guest, has made the jump to Sirius with "Tissue Time," a half-hour long segment airing weeknights at 10p.m.

It's billed as "Bedtime stories...with happy endings" and it's the raunchiest, most blatantly sexual show I've ever heard on radio. If this kind of stuff is on the air before Howard's debut in January, I shudder to think what the man himself will be capable of. Heidi (she'd want you to call her "Miss Cortez") relates erotic stories in first-person, and acts out fantasy sessions with her listeners. There's lots of ooh'ing and aah'ing and fake orgasms a'plenty (and, on Monday night, compliments of the first guy to call in, sadly, one real one...). She seems to be getting better at her act...Monday she was nervous and talking, like, in a Valley Girl kind of way, you know, ending every sentence with a question? And stuff? I also listened to Thursday's show, and while she keeps the raunch factor high (along with the pitch of her moans), she's thankfully now letting the guys off the air before acting out their fantasies.

It's an interesting, albeit depraved show, and I wonder how much longer it can possibly remain on the air. Listen to it while you can. Trust me on this, fellas, you'll be pulling out your hankys soon enough--because you'll be crying from laughing so hard. (What did you think I was going to say?)

So remember, fellas: avoid the Jones Soda Holiday Pack, and embrace the Heidi Cortez.

~G.